Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Screw you, 2013

So. Hi. I've been gone since 2012. 2013 might take the cake for one of my worst years. 2012 saw my triumphant return to life and Mount Washington after emergency surgery. 2013 started out with the exact same surgery that I had in August of '12. That was January. I had surgery, and as triggers for self-pity would have it, two great friends gave birth to lovely, lovely boys as I wallowed in jealousy (I admit it) and still love. Both births, if I recall, were literally the same week as I was in the hospital. Nevertheless, I missed the opportunity to properly act the auntie to beautiful boys because I couldn't get over myself. I will never get that back. After the second surgery in 2013, the same symptoms continued. It was disheartening to say the least. I contacted my dad, who "knows some people" (not in the mafia sense, as I think his true desire is to be some sort of mafia guy, but unfortunately his genetics is German, Swedish and Irish) at Smilow Cancer Center, and made an appointment. Smilow was such a wonderful experience. While I still love my original doctor, she didn't do extensive testing and performed the exact same surgery without additional testing. Smilow ordered me to have an MRI, which was...well, it sucked. I'm claustrophobic, and good God does it make noise. They discovered that surprise! My tumors were inside AND outside my uterus, basically completely deforming my organ. The massive doses of estrogen I am convinced led to the rapid growth. I underwent laproscopic surgery at Yale in April, and was laid up for basically the entire month of May. The summer found a lot of anxiety and depression for me...and thankfully, found my breakthrough this fall. I started knitting again about a week ago. Boy, did I miss it. Boy, did I miss my life, my family, and my friends. I have a lot of trouble with myself when I think of last year, in terms of how I related to those I love. I'm thankful they forgive me and my self-pity and instability, even if I still can't forgive myself. Here's to a new start. (Hopefully knitting, instead of medical updates)

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