Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Despair. Hope. Yarn.

In the past four years, my life has fallen apart. I lost my joy. I lost my hope. I alienated my loved ones. I can easily say that it's the fault of depression. But I don't know if that's true. Frankly, I don't know what is true for me anymore. Still trying to figure out my place in this world, but on some days, like today, it's hard to grasp what is real, and what is depression talking. It's a horrible feeling. You don't have control. What will set me off today?
After being in therapy for most of my adult life, I feel less sure than ever. I take medications. I was hospitalized two months ago, and the cocoon of that made my reality worse. You could say I hit bottom, I guess. I lost the ability to detach my feeling from action - and lost the ability to care. Am I doing the right things to alleviate my depression? No. It is a struggle every day, right now. I'm still "in crisis", I guess. Once the structure of the hospital recedes, your brain starts right up again. According to the hospital, I'm Bipolar II with a Borderline Personality Disorder. What does that mean, anyway? It means that I'm a mess. At least, I am today. My therapist keeps saying that feelings aren't facts. I know that is true, but your mind tricks you. The feeling overwhelms until you break. I can't break.
I have some touchstones, but sometimes it doesn't feel like enough. Google "despair" and there are many entries about it being a complete lack of hope, and incidentally, a sin in the Church. So I have that to look forward to when I force my lapsed ass back to the Church.
Sometimes it's hard to even let yourself have positive thoughts...but this is not you, I tell myself. This has been simmering in me since I was a kid, and presents itself in my life in the most unwelcome of ways. Don't let the little things that gave you joy disappear from your life. If you need help, say it. Don't waste our gift here - even on days where you completely lose touch from the gift. Don't give up. I'm thirty six years old and feel like I have to start over. I will. I have to. I have a precious boy. I have family. I have friends. I have a sweater to knit.

If you're having a hard time, please talk to someone. Anyone. And, read this.